New Outlook

Today I had an experience (or feeling?) I never thought I would have. It started out as something that could have gone horribly wrong, that could have made my day a mess, but it went in the complete opposite direction.

Time for story hour children.

Today was the day with a full schedule of classes: Leave home at 6am, get home at 6pm. YAY! The morning was good, nothing exciting or horrible happened. I then went on break for 3 hours (yeah it's a joy) and I decided to get some studying in, and losing myself to the internets, and perhaps lunch. I sat down at a table that resembles a little cafe table just a bit bigger. I had my bag on it, my books, my Kobo, and lunch. There were many tables still available, and as the area was not busy I didn't feel bad for taking over this table for my needs.

About 40 minutes later this girl shows up and sits at my table...odd. She just takes over half my table. There were many other free tables but I figured she was part of the group sitting beside me doing a project. Well she wasn't. She just wanted half my table. Fine. I don't mind meeting new people...when they actually talk. So I go back to my little world and maybe 20 minutes after that another girl shows up and sits at the table beside the one we are sitting at. She starts talking to the girl who had showed up before.

 I'm in my own little world, emailing, chatting on Facebook etc, when I notice the second girl was trying to place her bag on top of my stuff, ummmm what? She then sighs and places her apparently much more important bag on the floor. Then I notice that she looks at me and starts talking to her friend, who is sitting across from me in a language other than French and English. I push it aside. BUT THEN the girlwiththeimportantbag points at me (I guess they both think I can't see them and can't deduce what they are talking about because they are being sneaky sneaky with their language) and she laughs and talks really fast to her friend who laughs.

I can see both very clearly and I knew exactly what they were talking about: The FAT girl.

I slowly look up at the girlwiththeimportantbag, stare at her without blinking then turn to the other girl who is sitting across from me and stare at her without blinking. They looked a little shocked that I would acknowledge them and what they are doing. I then lean back in my chair, pull out a chocolate bar, slowly open it and take a bite. I smile then go back to emailing and what not. They quickly bury their heads in their homework.

/end

I didn't completely realize what I had done until a little later, when I thought about it I realized that I was completely unphased by what these two strangers were saying about me. When someone would comment on me, or I would notice them looking at me and snickering I would retreat into a safe place inside, or I would confront them. People who know me know I am not a gentle person. I would then think about what had just happened all day, ruining my day and making me crabby towards everyone. Not this time folks. Not this time.

I realized that these two strangers had no effect on who I am, and would not ruin my day. For me to just sit back and smile is pretty amazing.

I hear about people doing it: They say they just had this moment where they didn't care what others thought about them anymore, and how liberating it felt. I never, ever thought I would experience that.I thought it was beyond me. I was wrong. The feeling was amazing and oh so liberating. I felt beautiful, I felt strong...I finally accepted myself.

I have had family comment on my size in a osowellmeaningmanner (yeah right) and I know there are strangers out there who have commented on my size, but to have it happen so close to my face was a first (that I can remember). Maybe I should have cried in the bathroom, got home and started some kind of crazy soup diet, and workout like crazy, then punish myself for not losing weight like so and so. But I smiled and ate a chocolate bar in their faces, I went to my next class feeling amazing, I started talking to people (I am very shy), I ate fresh ravioli for dinner, had a beer, studied a bit, and then watched some Big Bang Theory with the husband. Now I am in bed, cozy, warm and sitting beside the husband. A man who loves every single inch of me. Who tells me I am beautiful every single day. All of that is a perfect night. Much better than counting calories, or going crazy thinking about what people think about you.

Tonight I was able to stand in front of my full length mirror in my undies and smile. And did I ever smile.

Deal with it people

You know I hate how some people feel the need to "educate" me on my body. Like I have absolutely no fucking clue what kind of body I have. I mean I don't do my hair in the morning, or my makeup. I get dressed in the dark! Really people? I know what I look like. I mean how do you think I get the clothes I own? Just grab whatever and poof it fits?

I can get into clothes that range from a size 20 to a 26 and a medium to a 3x. I haven't gone onto a scale in a long time because I fucking hate it. It controls so many peoples lives. I do have an idea of what I weigh.

I really do not need people telling me how to work out, what to eat...WHAT I should weigh. The best thing I keep hearing is that "When the husband dies wives lose a lot of weight". So I guess I should get rid of Marc, and then everything will be great. I also get the "You can't be healthy" Well I have to go to the doctors often because of my thyroid and I get checked up and so far the only issue I have is my hypothyroidism. I probably have a lot of stress though...and let me tell you, a glass of wine can help with that :)

I have to say though, that I have yet to get any grief from a complete stranger (at least to my face), the grief I get comes from family. You could say "They only say these things to you cause they care" really? So, when the same exact thing comes from a stranger they are just assholes? Just because family says it doesn't mean they mean well. If they meant well they would bug off. They would stop putting me on diets, they would stop with the pity, stop with the constant work out tips they hear on the view or from some 10 minute beef up DVD. They would stop comparing me to others who lost weight. News flash people: We don't all lose weight the same!

What hurts me the most is that comment "wives lose a lot of weight once their husbands die". It was said to me, and I got asked about my mothers weight. This came from someone I care about a lot, someone I truly love (no not Marc). I think people need to get over this fascination with weight. Why can't I be happy in the body I have now? Sure, I am working on losing some weight but no it's not so I can fit it that size 6 skinny jean. In fact the size I am aiming towards is around an 18ish. If I can't accept the body I have now, if I can't smile and love every roll I have when I stand naked in the mirror, how will I ever love my size 18 body?

My husband loves me. He loves my body. Maybe other people I care about can start loving me for who I am now. Telling me about this new diet will not make me a happy person. I guess I can just start giving them diet information when they tell me about a diet. See how they feel.