Deal with it people

You know I hate how some people feel the need to "educate" me on my body. Like I have absolutely no fucking clue what kind of body I have. I mean I don't do my hair in the morning, or my makeup. I get dressed in the dark! Really people? I know what I look like. I mean how do you think I get the clothes I own? Just grab whatever and poof it fits?

I can get into clothes that range from a size 20 to a 26 and a medium to a 3x. I haven't gone onto a scale in a long time because I fucking hate it. It controls so many peoples lives. I do have an idea of what I weigh.

I really do not need people telling me how to work out, what to eat...WHAT I should weigh. The best thing I keep hearing is that "When the husband dies wives lose a lot of weight". So I guess I should get rid of Marc, and then everything will be great. I also get the "You can't be healthy" Well I have to go to the doctors often because of my thyroid and I get checked up and so far the only issue I have is my hypothyroidism. I probably have a lot of stress though...and let me tell you, a glass of wine can help with that :)

I have to say though, that I have yet to get any grief from a complete stranger (at least to my face), the grief I get comes from family. You could say "They only say these things to you cause they care" really? So, when the same exact thing comes from a stranger they are just assholes? Just because family says it doesn't mean they mean well. If they meant well they would bug off. They would stop putting me on diets, they would stop with the pity, stop with the constant work out tips they hear on the view or from some 10 minute beef up DVD. They would stop comparing me to others who lost weight. News flash people: We don't all lose weight the same!

What hurts me the most is that comment "wives lose a lot of weight once their husbands die". It was said to me, and I got asked about my mothers weight. This came from someone I care about a lot, someone I truly love (no not Marc). I think people need to get over this fascination with weight. Why can't I be happy in the body I have now? Sure, I am working on losing some weight but no it's not so I can fit it that size 6 skinny jean. In fact the size I am aiming towards is around an 18ish. If I can't accept the body I have now, if I can't smile and love every roll I have when I stand naked in the mirror, how will I ever love my size 18 body?

My husband loves me. He loves my body. Maybe other people I care about can start loving me for who I am now. Telling me about this new diet will not make me a happy person. I guess I can just start giving them diet information when they tell me about a diet. See how they feel.

My plan

I started to want to lose some weight for the trip we most likely will be taking in June and then, while on the treadmill watching Aliens (love that movie!!), I wondered if I could find a nice picture to use as a tattoo. Then I thought why not go for gold and get the back piece done. Hell why not work towards that!! So I went on the net and found the picture I think will work (I may change my mind in a few years, it might not work as a tattoo..etc) and I told myself that once I get to where I am happy I will start the process of getting this tattoo.

I am not weighing myself. NEVER. I hate that fucking scale. I hate all scales. I tend to over focus on the number and not how I look, so I told myself I will let the clothes do the talking. I will probably weigh myself when I start thinking I might be close to where I want to be...but I'm not sure. So no I will not know how many pounds I lose, I will only know how many dress sizes I have gone down. Will this process be easy? Hell no. But at 24 I think I need to commit to something other than a marriage. For now I am limiting a lot of things but as I learn what my body is missing/craves I will add it in to my diet. I am not on some diet, or crazy workout thing. I am doing what feels good to me. I am not doing this for anyone dead or alive...this is all for me and that tattoo. I will have days where I will cry because I feel like a failure..I will have days where I will feel like the best looking thing on the planet. This will take me awhile to do...but I think I can do it. I am not going to lose the amount doctors tell me I should because at that weight I will look gross. I like a little fat on me. I am tall and have big bones so I know I am not going to go below 170 ( and that number is pushing it). I know my goal weight and I will know when I am close.

I look forward to this...to the failures and the triumphs. I look forward to the day where I can say I did it. I will not blog about this though..I may comment on it every so often but I am not really going to talk about it. Every other time I have talked about what I am doing day to day I got critized (in the bad way..you know the "you're doing it wrong") I got so many different diets shoved down my throat and so many workouts that I need to do shoved down my throat. I do not need any of that and if I hear any of it I might punch the person.

So I will print out the picture I want tattood on me and tape it to my mirror. I will look at that picture everyday and imagine it on my back and it will make me get on that treadmill and drink that water and eat good food!!