Ramblings within my head

I have been gone awhile. Life has been a little crazy on my end.

So lets just ignore this break shall we?

I realized something a few days ago and it kinda made me feel better but at the same time I felt like a horrible person. That I am damaged and there really is no way to fix me. I could go to therapy but I never had good experiences there, I'd rather see if I can maybe change myself.

Over the last few years I have noticed that I am very much an introvert. I tried to fool myself into thinking I wasn't but the fact is I am. And I know that pisses people off, most don't understand that if I am pushed into a room with a shit ton of people I will flip my shit. Outside I'll smile and try to talk to people but inside I am flipping out! I constantly try to control my shakes, I feel like I can't breath, sometimes the room spins and ultimately I end up in the corner just trying to breath so in the end I look like some antisocial freak who hates everyone.

I never understood why I always felt like I needed a few days to hide out in my house and stay quiet until I read an article about people who are introverts (can't remember what article, it was awhile ago), and everything clicked. I was like WHOA!! so other people feel this way too! I felt better and didn't try to change myself anymore, I was comfortable with being the introvert and just doing my thing.

Not too long ago I realized something, I can't make friends. I really can't. I have some friends who I've known for a long time but making new friends is almost impossible to me. I know I come off as a cold, mean, unapproachable etc, and most times I really really do not mean to give off that impression. I see so many people make new friends and have a great time and I sit back and watch. I can't connect with people I guess.

I had a lot of friends in elementary school and high school but never anyone I could just...be me with. Well no one except my cousin who I honestly viewed as a sister more than a cousin. We had spats and fights but we always turned to each other for everything. I guess I got comfortable and never thought I'd lose that but then I did and I just can't connect with anyone on that level again. And I seriously wonder if I ever will again. I have some people that I will just let lose around but, I don't know...it's not the same. I do have my friend L who I adore and keeps me sane when I'm about to lose my shit and we have gone through some serious stuff together but besides her I just can't connect with anyone.

I used to think I could talk to people and make new friends but now I do it through the husband. When he meets someone new and I am brave enough to go be social I will hover around him as like my safety net. I know I am a very high strung person and I stress and worry incredibly easily which turns a lot of people off. That is something I am actively trying to correct, I had someone in my school lay it on tough for me last semester about my stress and since then I have been managing it better. I realize I can't stress about everything, that sometimes you don't need a list to check things off. I am grateful she sat me down and just told me straight that I can't keep going the way I'm going. It will kill me.

I am rambling but it is something I noticed and maybe I can change things...

I lost my way. O LOOK! Heart Arrows!!!

So apparently this thing called Valentines Day is coming up or something...I dunno. Apparently I am supposed to be a good wife (the husband likes the say WIFE in a British Accent, think Russell Crowe in Robin Hood. On that note, yes Russell Crowe you can take me away anytime. The husband wont mind at all!) and get the husband something and then he's supposed to get me something. It's one of thooooose days.

WELL we like to call it Anti-Valentines Day Day. I really hate Valentines Day, LOATHE it. I don't care that others enjoy the day. That's cool. I support your love for love day. We don't really do anything on Anti-Valentines Day Day, known as AVDD because I'm lazy and do not want to type it all out. Or Ctrl C&V it.

Anyways, as I was saying. Apparently this day is arriving. How can I tell? Ooooo just the obscene amount of hearts and red popping up everywhere at school. Also little cock heart arrows leading you to the booth of LOVE (please give us 5$ to give your love note to your love in class) that you can't miss. But you know, the arrows add to the decor! This really is not a rant, I'm giggling right now. Honestly I am.

So what do we do on this day of love or AVDD? We watch stupid movies and order out food. This year we are going apartment hunting and then going out for Indian food and lots of beer. No cards, no expensive jewelry (I'm getting sick of those peoples commercials!!), no chocolate. Well maybe chocolate but only because I like chocolate and buy it a lot so it's nothing special. The husband might get flowers though, and I DO like flowers. O, and we are doing this on the 18th.

The whole point of my post is that this day is coming up and I remembered something a few days ago about how the husband asked me out waaaaaaaaay back when I was 16 and he was 19. I just randomly thought about it while watching Dexter and then I giggled for awhile while telling the husband my memory. And then told him I would blog about it because that's what loving wives do. RIGHT?

The scene: Cloudyish day, he asks me if I want to go for a little walk (I think he wanted to get away from friends). There is a cemetery beside the school, we stop there.

The husband: So are we dating?
Me: Uhhhh.......I guess.

We then walk back to friends and announce we are now a couple.

It was pretty awesome. And would you look at that, in October of this year it will be 9 years since that "So are we dating"?

I also remembered something else. I don't know if the husband remembers this, but for me It was the moment where I thought "Hey, this could be the one". I never really believed in THE ONE before that moment but I had this surge of emotion and...peace, I guess. It was pretty incredible.

I had just failed a math test (big surprise) and was really upset. I forgot that I was meeting the husband at lunch and when I saw him coming towards me as I was walking with a friend I just wanted to run in the other direction. He was the last person I wanted to see (we were not dating yet, I may have even forgotten what his name was. WHAT? I'm bad at names ok!). So, he comes over to me and I'm trying to hide my red eyes and he asks how my day was. I just burst into tears ago and he tell him I failed me test and then he just hugged me. Out of nowhere. A hug. That 10 second hug was fucking amazing. To this day I have not forgotten it, and how I felt.

So there's my lovey dovey story for the day. Back to regular programming:

School. Ah school. I missed you but now I can't stand you. I got the homeworks and the tests and the "Sorry I'm an idiot, I have no clue what you have been talking about for the last 3 weeks" feelings. Fun.


O here are the cock heart arrows.

SexAY

Eat. Drink. Laugh. Be Merry!

Christmas.

Christmas is coming up. It's coming up fast.

This year will be different. I don't know yet if it will be good, bad, or just all right. I'm hoping for great honestly.

My family will be missing one person this holiday season. He would be the one to call our names out and hand the gifts to us. He would sit in the middle of the pile and take charge. Making sure each person opened a gift in turn. He would then go on a rant about never having enough batteries to try out a new toy :P. Then we would all gather in the kitchen and eat leftovers from the party the night before and muffins my mom would make. He'd make sure there was enough coffee for a couple dozen people.

I'm not sure what the mood is going to be like with my dad gone now. I have no clue what to expect. I'm used to expecting a certain mood for the holidays, a certain way the day goes. This year I'm groping in the dark.

I do have to remember though, that there are people I love and cherish who are still here. That family will still be getting together and it's up to us, as a group, to make the mood cheerful and hopeful. It's up to us to keep his memory alive and well but we need to do that trough the laughter. He wouldn't accept moping on Christmas.

So what will this Christmas bring? Family. It will bring us together, even the ones who have moved on.

I know it's still early but:

Merry Christmas!


Smile. Laugh. Drink. Eat. Be together. At Christmas the food is always better, the drinks tastier, the laughs louder. At Christmas the things family do to drive you up the wall no longer matter. Go hug the one you love. Call someone you haven't talked to in a long time. And remember the ones who have passed on.

Parents. Weekend. Love.

I am at my parents place this weekend, it was a last minute decision. We woke up Saturday morning and I called my mom up to se what was happening and since nothing was we drove up! I don't remember the last time I was up, I think it was before i even knew i got accepted into the paralegal program but I knew i wouldn't be up until Christmas so coming up this weekend was a good choice. Marc brought the wii to play with my little brother and I brought homework....which is still sitting in my bag, unread. Procrastinator!
It was a good weekend though, my dad made us a yummy breakfast this morning AND the time has changed!! We get an extra hour of glorious sleep. AND I only have a four day week, Friday is a ped day!!
When we get home today we have to switch our beer over to the carboy for 2 weeks to ferment some more, then we might Skype with my sister in law (Marcs sister) and get to see my little niece! Then we are watching the delayed Halloween specials on The Simpsons and Family Guy.
I passed all my midterms, my last midterm i got a lower mark than i wanted but she is supposed to go over the exam once more just to see if the students can get extra marks so maybe it will go up....I hope it does. So now I get ready for finals and all the last minute assignments that teachers realize they forgot to give....FUN.
Marc has a procedure on the 10th of Jan. He will need to go on Heparin (sp?) for a few days, I think I will be the one injecting him (I've only ever seen it given in needle form I don't know it it comes in other forms). I don't think I will have a problem injecting him, I hate needles but when i think of sticking one in someone else it's good, when i think of sticking one in me i want to pass out LOL. We will get more information about the Heparin on the 20th of Dec.
Marcs leg has been behaving this week, i noticed his other calf looked huge but he told me it's because that leg is getting a lot more exercise and is making up for the other leg so the muscle is HUGE. I was scared it was another clot (which didn't make sense since his INR is low) but no it's just a giant muscle saying Hello.
O! This week i had to go on some antibiotics...again...not fun. The last time i had to take some i was sick, and had a headache 24/7. And i had NO energy for anything. I was scared when the Doctor gave me a higher dose, but I only have to take them for 5 days (which reminds me i have to go take my last one!) so I was hopeful i wouldn't get to sick. I was right! I have not been sick but OMFG i am sooooo bloated!! I feel fatter than i already am and just gross. But at least i am not throwing up right?!
I have to say though, being at my parents makes me miss my babies. I am pretty sure my tabby is meowing and bugging the room mate.....poor thing (cat) LOL.

Roast Chicken. Red wine. Cider. Cuddles.

All those things make a great Sunday. I hate Sundays, there is no real reason. I just hate the buggers. It is a day where nothing happens except the dread of a new work week :P. BUT has been pretty darn good. We went grocery shopping early in the day (so much better waking up early to go and not having to deal with mothers and kids who tend to think they own the store). Then we came home and just cuddled forever in bed. It was awesome and very relaxing.

Then we got up, had some chili and I settled down with a movie and some red wine while Marc worked on a project making the big monies. I just put the chicken in and there is once again the smell of homemade bread a baking. YUMMY! I love fall, makes me actually want to cook meals...healthy and yummy meals too!

I should really be going over some things for my test tomorrow....but I'm not :P. I will most likely regret it buuuuuuutttttt.......I have wine now so it's A-OK.