Ramblings within my head

I have been gone awhile. Life has been a little crazy on my end.

So lets just ignore this break shall we?

I realized something a few days ago and it kinda made me feel better but at the same time I felt like a horrible person. That I am damaged and there really is no way to fix me. I could go to therapy but I never had good experiences there, I'd rather see if I can maybe change myself.

Over the last few years I have noticed that I am very much an introvert. I tried to fool myself into thinking I wasn't but the fact is I am. And I know that pisses people off, most don't understand that if I am pushed into a room with a shit ton of people I will flip my shit. Outside I'll smile and try to talk to people but inside I am flipping out! I constantly try to control my shakes, I feel like I can't breath, sometimes the room spins and ultimately I end up in the corner just trying to breath so in the end I look like some antisocial freak who hates everyone.

I never understood why I always felt like I needed a few days to hide out in my house and stay quiet until I read an article about people who are introverts (can't remember what article, it was awhile ago), and everything clicked. I was like WHOA!! so other people feel this way too! I felt better and didn't try to change myself anymore, I was comfortable with being the introvert and just doing my thing.

Not too long ago I realized something, I can't make friends. I really can't. I have some friends who I've known for a long time but making new friends is almost impossible to me. I know I come off as a cold, mean, unapproachable etc, and most times I really really do not mean to give off that impression. I see so many people make new friends and have a great time and I sit back and watch. I can't connect with people I guess.

I had a lot of friends in elementary school and high school but never anyone I could just...be me with. Well no one except my cousin who I honestly viewed as a sister more than a cousin. We had spats and fights but we always turned to each other for everything. I guess I got comfortable and never thought I'd lose that but then I did and I just can't connect with anyone on that level again. And I seriously wonder if I ever will again. I have some people that I will just let lose around but, I don't know...it's not the same. I do have my friend L who I adore and keeps me sane when I'm about to lose my shit and we have gone through some serious stuff together but besides her I just can't connect with anyone.

I used to think I could talk to people and make new friends but now I do it through the husband. When he meets someone new and I am brave enough to go be social I will hover around him as like my safety net. I know I am a very high strung person and I stress and worry incredibly easily which turns a lot of people off. That is something I am actively trying to correct, I had someone in my school lay it on tough for me last semester about my stress and since then I have been managing it better. I realize I can't stress about everything, that sometimes you don't need a list to check things off. I am grateful she sat me down and just told me straight that I can't keep going the way I'm going. It will kill me.

I am rambling but it is something I noticed and maybe I can change things...

And Life Goes On

So a lot of things have gone down in the last Month. So far I have passed two midterms, one I don't know the mark yet and the other has been moved around so much I could care less about it...not quiet true. I want to pass but I just can't stress about it anymore. I have no more stress to give!

Besides that I went and got a new tattoo. It has no meaning, no long sad story to go with it. I got it because I liked the design. Simple. It's on my thigh and right now it's driving me up the wall with how itchy it is!

3 months to go before we move. I am so not ready for this. If I could I'd just get rid of everything and buy new things...or have a glass of wine and pay someone else to pack. I'm trying to be smart this time and pack things ahead of time and get rid of things we don't want. I will probably spend some of Easter break packing things up or do homework. Neither one sounds like fun.

A couple of weeks ago my father in law lost the fight to cancer. He was fighting for about a year and it looked like he beat it last last year but it came back. We knew it was coming but it's still not easy. We have no more dads to go to for dad things. The husband has been handling it pretty good. He has his odd moments here and there. They will never go away. I just have to be there for him when those moments get to be too much.

The husband also shaved his head. He was talking about it for years and finally decided to just do it. He looks great with a shaved head :). I don't think he realized the amount of work in keeping a head shaved and has been talking about growing his hair back (which takes like 2 days to get to the length he had it at before the shave). It took me a few days to get used to the feeling of a bare scalp but after a couple of shaves the skin felt normal.

I guess I should get to the studying...


Well after I read one more article........

Bringing home the BACON!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Feels good to have Friday off. The teacher moved Fridays class to Thursday morning. I'd much rather get up early and go to class than have to get up early and go to class on Friday afternoon because I live on the other end of Montreal. Sleeping in and bumming around the house makes for a much better Friday, in my books.

So two weeks down...13 (I think) left to go. Not too bad eh. But now the classes are getting harder, and this semester is all about Commercial Law and Contracts. UGH. I hate commercial law and I hate contracts. Now, we aren't getting into the nitty-gritty of each yet, that comes next year, but still it really sucks. It's like I have a mental block or something. I hear what the teacher is saying but it just wont stick in my brain and then I look at my notes and I'm like "WHAT THE CRAP DID I WRITE? Is this even ENGLISH?!" To make matters worse half the stuff comes in french so not only do I have to translate English into...simpler English, but I have to translate French to simple English. I just need to keep telling myself, "Job. Career. MONEY!"

The husband can't wait till the day I can bring home the bacon.

Besides that life is...well life. Shit happens you know. I will not go into details on my blog because I feel that it should stay within family and close friends. But I hope this year takes a turn for the better. Well in August it will for sure, and one person knows why!

What else is new. Whaaaaat else?

February 4th marks one year since my dad died. I'm glad it's on a Saturday because I honestly don't know how I will deal with that day. I suspect I will just go about business as usual, and probably have homework, but I dunno.


Oh tomorrow, since I am at home, I will be prancing around the house in heels. I MISS HEELS! OMG. There was rain and then freezing rain and then rain and then freezing temperatures. Ice EVERYWHERE! My ability to walk in flat shoes is not the best so heels on ice...yeah no go there!

Also I am going to go munch on some cheese. Because it's TASTY!






Heels.My feet crave them.

I've got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get into a fight

OHHHH

Back to school!

I go back to the Paralegal program at O'Sullivan College on the 16th, and I am flipping out! I will be with a new group and well just going back to the daily grind of being a student. I have moments where I am flipping out and wanting to run and hide but then a second after that moment I get this overwhelming sense of excitement. I don't understand it.

Today I went school supply shopping in the hope that it will get me REALLY excited, it kinda worked. I LOVE shopping for school supplies, stick me in any bureau en gros and I get this tingly feeling. I spent the afternoon setting up the school supplies and figuring out transport schedules and what not.

I am still getting the "RUN AWAY!!" feeling though :P.

With the last week off I will watch Dexter reruns and try to calm my nerves.


Recently I have been thinking of going ahead and doing some OOTDs on my blog, you know to change it up. I thought about it awhile ago but I guess I was just too nervous. It invites whole other readership and well...trolls. But I think it's time to bite the bullet and test it out. It will take some getting used to and I wont be posting OOTDs on a regular basis at first but it will help me figure out new outfits and rework old clothes. The joys of being a student...always poor.

In the next few weeks there might be more posts on the joys of finding a new place to live and then the process of moving all our crap. I don't move well so there may be some rant intensive posts coming up.

Stay Tuned!

25

I am turning 25. Wow. I remember thinking about being 25 when I was 12 and it was such a scary number, I mean I'd be so OLD.But then as I kept growing up (altough I would bug my mom with how OLD I was getting) I realized that turing 25 isn't all that bad. When I was 12 I thought that I would have a career as a teacher already set up, I would be married, bought a house and working on popping out a kid. Maybe I would have a dog, but for sure a cat. I told myself at 12 that by 25 I would have to be a responsible adult and that meant a job, kids and a husband apparently. Well 18 came along and I had no effin clue what I wanted to study in school. I followed what my mom told me to do (be a teacher!!) but I was not happy. By 20 I was taking some graphic design classes and then at 22 I was checking out psychology, a year later sociology (because I can't wrap my head around advanced math) and then at the age of 24 I went into studying to be a paralegal and will be until I'm 27 or 28.

I DID get married though, at the tender age of 23. Where I was told I was WAY to young to be married but because I am I better start popping out those screaming demons (Ok not in those exact words but close ;)). To young to get married but not too young to have kids...I don't get it. In the 25 years I have been on this earth I learned a lot. I still have sooo much more to learn but I have learned that I am a naive individual. I still trust too easily, and I should still think before I talk. And that I am the only one who can decide what to do with my life.

25 seemed so old to a 12 year old, but as I am nearing 25 I realize that I am still so very young. That I should not be stressing out about some things and that noone can tell me what to do. I am also realizing that I have to start loving myself and stop hurting myself to please other people, those people can either love who I am or bug off. But sometimes I still feel like I should be some kind of adult at 25, that I am a failure of some sort because I have no clue what I want my career to be and the furthest I plan is what I am doing on the up coming weekend. My parents were married and had a house by this age! I have an apartment with
two cats (and the husband). But damnit I am happy! And it's about damn time people learn to be happy with my happiness.

So at 7:31am on Friday morning I turn 25. Hey, another 25 years and I will be 50! And really people, that is not that far off. Time goes by really fast. So what do I think I will be doing at 50? I honestly have no clue, I no longer try to plan my future, I no longer try to live by the rules others have placed on me. I do hope that I am happy, still married to Marc, and still have two cats.

Friday I am getting all prettied up to go out to dinner with the husband and then I am getting shit faced with a good friend. I have plans to wake up in an alcoholic stupour the next moring demanding bacon and eggs and coffee with more alcohol to help with the alcohol induced headache. I don't think there will be many more times in my life where I will be able to get shit faced and survive so why not do it Friday night!

I will try to get Marc to take a picture of my dress, I honestly love this dress and don't get to wear it often. Now I will be overly dressed up for a steak house, but it's my birthday and I will dress up if I want too!

EDIT: Not wearing the dress. After the "fashion show" I did for Marc last night he decided my skinny jeans and heels with my purple top look really good. Also I don't think he wants to get dressed up nice lol. And we both realized that I will most likely spill something on the dress (I can not wear white without putting at least 5 stains on the thing). Also I am determined to like martinis tomorrow. 

This and That

Ahhhhh.

Being up at my moms for two days was nice. I went up to help with some cleaning and just to get away from the city. It was great being with my mom and youngest brother. I just relaxed for most of the day reading in her new patio (well re done patio). Yesterday though, my mom gave me some flower pots to paint. I mentioned this earlier in my blog and I was kinda hoping she forgot about it, but no. So now I have a bunch of pots to paint......crap. I haven't painted in YEARS. And I hate painting. So what I might do is use coloured pencils on some pots and then paint the rest. I'm going to go through some of my old drawings and see if there is anything I could trace onto the pots. The only hard thing will be to paint flowers, maybe youtube will have some videos....

Last week I went down to the lake with a friend and I burned!! It was horrible. I thought I was ok, there were a bunch of clouds and my skin didn't feel hot. I was wrong :P. The burn is finally going down, it still hurts a bit but it's a lot better. My whole right arm and most of my upper back was red, like burning your eyes red. My skin hasn't started peeling yet though, I kinda hope it wont but I dunno.

My hot peppers are finally starting to turn red. Marc thought one of them was rotten but then a closer look revealed that no it was not rotten it was just changing colour. I am excited to try it now, I think I can go pick one, it's fully red.

Nothing much has happened out here. It's getting hot again and I do not approve. O it looks like Marc and I are going to do a small photoshoot with a friend. He did our wedding pictures and I wanted a professional looking picture for our Christmas card we are sending out this year and I want some non wedding pictures around the house, it's been two years time for a change!

Monster around me

I am driving myself crazy. I had a job interview yesterday morning and I would love to work there but I just don't know if I got the job. It was hard to read her. I apparently will know by Friday if I got the job or not. I REALLY want it. I have been checking my other email account non stop. I need help.

Other than that it has finally cooled down a bit over here. It's still hot but it's the manageable summer hot, I don't like it but I can deal with it. We might head up to my moms this weekend, well Sunday only. I haven't been up to see my family since May I believe. And since our car registration fee is INSANE, we decided to only do one trip up north this month and I told Marc it's my moms.

Yesterday at around noon I got the worst headache migraine in forever. I had no Advil or Tylenol on my and driving to get some was not an option (I couldn't see straight). So from noon till about 5:30pm I had to deal. I took a few small naps here and there but kept waking up, and within 10 minutes of waking up the migraine was back. At least I didn't have it for the interview right?!

Things are quiet over here, Marc is planning some kind of RPG game thingamabob for Saturday. I think I will hide out in the bedroom, and watch cheesy movies for a bit :).

Hopefully I will have some good news on Friday, but I don't think so. I have this nasty monster in my head telling me that the job will not happen. Stupid monster.







*got the job vibes*