Fear and Acceptance

Mothers day is tomorrow and although I am not a big fan of it and really do not go all out I started to wonder when I wouldn't be able to call my mom for mothers day. I can't call my dad up anymore, I can't ask mommy what new tool he wants for fathers day........I wont be celebrating fathers day anymore. Sure I have my father in law and I am so thankful for that but this year it just might be too much.

I remember waking up, in the middle of the night, a few days after my dad passed and going to the living room to sit by my mom. I carried in my teddy bear and just broke down and cried on her shoulder. I cried for my dad, I cried for the pain I was feeling. The pain that just wouldn't go away (that still haunts me). But I was also crying for my mom. She is the last parent I have alive. I was so scared that I will lose her too, that there will be a day where I will no longer be able to call either parent......it shook me deeply.

Then, later, I realized that it's life. I am getting older and so are my parents. They can't be here forever, they can't always be there to comfort me, to give me advice or to groan about a new tattoo I just got, and tell me that I need to grow up and figure out my life. I will have to do all that alone. It's scary to realize that, your parents are supposed to always be there.

So this mothers day I am going down to see my mom, I am taking her out to dinner and then I am going to her place and staying the night. I am going to spend some time with her. I haven't been able to go up since the funeral. I am a little worried. The urn is still there, the memories are still there. Maybe, though, this will help me heal. Maybe my heart will stop aching, or at least stay quiet.

Planning...for once it worked out.

I don't like to plan dinners or parties that involve a lot of people. From past experience it never worked out, people would complain about the place or how it was being planned, etc. Yesterday though I decided that I was going to take my mom out to dinner on mothers day and that my two brothers would be there. By 8pm I had the dinner booked, the brothers confirmed and mom confirmed.

When talking to one of my brothers he suggested maybe going to Gibbys. I heard good things about them but I was sure it would be expensive and I was right. From what I read (they didn't post their prices on the online menu...that tells you something) for 3 people it would cost almost 200$....WHAT? Sorry but I am not rolling around in money. So I spent awhile stressing about where to book and I settled on a restaurant that we have all been too before. The food is good and the prices are good. I confirmed with my brother that this is where we will take her. Then the hard part came: Getting my mom to go :P

I knew that if I didn't book the table before I called my mom would talk me out of taking her out. So I called her after booking and of course she said "O no don't do that" to which I replied "Too late the table is booked" She still tried to weasel her way out but I said no we are taking you out, we want too. It has been a hard year, with daddy passing, and I think taking her out will be nice. She wont have to cook, clean or worrying about anything. And dammit this mothers day she's getting out of the house :)

The weekend after we will be taking Marcs mom out to breakfast, we hope his dad will be up to going too. He's been sick and can't really be around people so we're not sure if his mom will want to leave. We shall see.

We are also finding out today if we can actually go to Winnipeg. If we don't have travel insurance (and costs to much to get it) we aren't going. I don't want to lose over 400$.