Fear and Acceptance

Mothers day is tomorrow and although I am not a big fan of it and really do not go all out I started to wonder when I wouldn't be able to call my mom for mothers day. I can't call my dad up anymore, I can't ask mommy what new tool he wants for fathers day........I wont be celebrating fathers day anymore. Sure I have my father in law and I am so thankful for that but this year it just might be too much.

I remember waking up, in the middle of the night, a few days after my dad passed and going to the living room to sit by my mom. I carried in my teddy bear and just broke down and cried on her shoulder. I cried for my dad, I cried for the pain I was feeling. The pain that just wouldn't go away (that still haunts me). But I was also crying for my mom. She is the last parent I have alive. I was so scared that I will lose her too, that there will be a day where I will no longer be able to call either parent......it shook me deeply.

Then, later, I realized that it's life. I am getting older and so are my parents. They can't be here forever, they can't always be there to comfort me, to give me advice or to groan about a new tattoo I just got, and tell me that I need to grow up and figure out my life. I will have to do all that alone. It's scary to realize that, your parents are supposed to always be there.

So this mothers day I am going down to see my mom, I am taking her out to dinner and then I am going to her place and staying the night. I am going to spend some time with her. I haven't been able to go up since the funeral. I am a little worried. The urn is still there, the memories are still there. Maybe, though, this will help me heal. Maybe my heart will stop aching, or at least stay quiet.

Life changes in an instant

It's funny how life can be great one minute and turn to shit the next. Since February 4th there has been a cloud over my life. A cloud I don't see leaving anytime soon.

I last posted that my dad was in the hospital. He was getting better..and then I got the call. He wont make it the night. At 4am he passed away. At 4am I lost my daddy. At 4am I felt lost in this world.

I never knew what heartache was. Sure I break up with someone and I feel like it's the end of the world...but that pain goes away fast and I move on. The pain of losing my dad has been indescribable. The heart hurts so much that the rest of my body is in pain. I feel so alone, so lost that I just want to run away. I want to find something that will put some normalcy back into my life. But there is nothing.

I was told that the pain never goes away, I only turn numb. I find it hard to smile now. To just go to school. To just live.

I miss him so much, I want to call him to tell him about my stupid car. To tell him about my eyebrow piercing and hear him complain about it. I want to hear his voice. But I will never have that again. Never.

I don't sleep anymore. Sure I lay down and close my eyes, but my dreams betray me. They are all the same: Him on the hospital bed...dead. Me being pulled away....never to see him again. I hate being alone now. I must be annoying some friends from constantly texting them....but it makes me feel less alone.

So I guess I just have to go on...I just have to continue in this life. I don't know if I will ever see my daddy again. I just have to hope that maybe I will hear his voice again, be able to give him a hug.

I wait for that day.


Daddy I love you. I miss you terribly. I want the world to go back in time. I want you back with the family. I want the pain to stop.

Sorry but today is a double post day, and it’s a novel.

I haven't gone into how i felt during all this. I felt many things-anger all the way to fear.

At first i was lost. I hate going to the hospital (i almost died from  my gallbladder just by not going to the hospital till the last minute)  and taking Marc to the hospital for some weird leg issue was  frightening.

When we were told it was a clot he got his shot of heparin and we  headed to his parents house. He was so tired, from being up till 2am and  from getting the shot. He fell asleep but i stayed awake checking his  chest to see if he was still breathing. I barely slept that night (and  for many nights after), and when i did I would awake with a start and  check his chest again.

I had to leave on Tuesday night for school the next day. Not being  able to check if he was still breathing at night made me very emotional.  I was scared that he would die and i would not be with him. I would be  at our place because i had to go to school and i couldn't be there by  his side if he died. I know it's crazy to think that but when you are  told it's a clot and you know they can travel and kill---it's a scary  thing.

I headed back to his parents Wednesday night and i stayed for a few  days, bringing him back and forth to the hospital for daily blood tests  and shots. I then went home again, without him, but he was able to come  home that Sunday. (In my first post i said he was gone 3 weeks....it  felt like it...but he was gone a week and we had to go back up there  almost every day for about 3 weeks. Those days were a blur so times are a  little messed up).

In all this though, i'm sure i annoyed the family (constant worrying  and stressing--i don't handle stress well) and they annoyed me (why  would they want to keep my husband, why can't i take him home with me! I  know it was better he stay there though, closer to the hospital and his  parents were home all day). But, like i said, i'm so glad they were  there to help.

Even while he was back home with me though, i would get up and check  if he was breathing. I got very little sleep, it affected everything in  my life. I had no energy and i was in my first semester at University.  The stress was to much and my marks began to show it. I would try so  hard not to cry in front of Marc, i had to be strong for him. He was so  confused, and angry. Having his wife bawl in front of him wouldn't help.

Every day i would wonder if this was the day the clot would move. I  was so terrified of losing him. Only being married for just over 3  months and i lose my husband, that's not fair!! Maybe praying would of  helped, i don't know. I'm not religious at all but i hoped someone out  there was praying for him.

His blood started to stabilize, he got a shiny fashionable cane and  he was being seen by specialists. Our out look started to get better. I  was sleeping more and more at night, my head wasn't a mess of stupid  thoughts and tears and our sex life was back on track (i know, i  know...TMI but it helped and it made us feel back to normal again).

I think though the happiest moment (i mean the moment that made me  cry tears of happiness for the first time in so long) was when Marc told  me his clot is almost dissolved. We made it. Sure he could be on this  medication for life, sure he needs to wear compression stockings and  walk with a cane but i don't care. He is still Marc, he is still the man  i love and will always love.

So that's how i felt. A lot of days were hard, nights even harder but  we made it. I think this was the first big trial in our marriage (there  will be more) but if we made it through this--through fighting, tears  and fears--then i think we will be alright.

And seriously i should not write while at the office <em>:P</em>