Fear and Acceptance

Mothers day is tomorrow and although I am not a big fan of it and really do not go all out I started to wonder when I wouldn't be able to call my mom for mothers day. I can't call my dad up anymore, I can't ask mommy what new tool he wants for fathers day........I wont be celebrating fathers day anymore. Sure I have my father in law and I am so thankful for that but this year it just might be too much.

I remember waking up, in the middle of the night, a few days after my dad passed and going to the living room to sit by my mom. I carried in my teddy bear and just broke down and cried on her shoulder. I cried for my dad, I cried for the pain I was feeling. The pain that just wouldn't go away (that still haunts me). But I was also crying for my mom. She is the last parent I have alive. I was so scared that I will lose her too, that there will be a day where I will no longer be able to call either parent......it shook me deeply.

Then, later, I realized that it's life. I am getting older and so are my parents. They can't be here forever, they can't always be there to comfort me, to give me advice or to groan about a new tattoo I just got, and tell me that I need to grow up and figure out my life. I will have to do all that alone. It's scary to realize that, your parents are supposed to always be there.

So this mothers day I am going down to see my mom, I am taking her out to dinner and then I am going to her place and staying the night. I am going to spend some time with her. I haven't been able to go up since the funeral. I am a little worried. The urn is still there, the memories are still there. Maybe, though, this will help me heal. Maybe my heart will stop aching, or at least stay quiet.