Veins, they hate me.

This humidity! It's disgusting. I miss the cold! I see people comment on how they luuuuurve this weather and I wonder how many of them go from an air conditioned house to an air conditioned car to an air conditioned office. Sure they love the heat....in small doses. Try sleeping in this heat and humidity, try using public transit that refuses to add air conditioning to its buses, only then will I believe that they like this weather. Until then those people who live in air conditioning can kiss my ass. At least I can smile and laugh when winter comes and hear I them bitch and moan about the cold :)

Last week I went for the dreaded blood test to check out my thyroid. I hate blood tests. HATE them. I don't like needles in general but blood tests just make me sweat, shake and flip out. I have many bad memories of blood tests gone wrong and being blamed for it, so when I get a nurse who is nice, calm and gentile it gives me hope that I can maybe handle getting blood tests at some point in my life. When i'm sitting in the chair with my arm extended and the elastic wrapped around my arm I have to keep telling myself that if I can get tattoos I can get one needle! Right?! At least this time that worked because she got a vein on the first shot. My veins like to hide, they are assholes.

Just to get said blood test though was another experience. The doctor who gave me the blood test sheet never put her name, the clinics address, or a fax number on it. I asked her if I could go anywhere and she said yes. I never looked at the paper at the time because I never had an issue with the test papers. So I get to the hospital and find out that I can not get a blood test because the doctor did not fill out the sheet right. Well shit! I am hungry (can't eat before these wonderful tests :P) and got up early so it was hard to hold myself together. I acted as calm as I could and told them that I didn't realize she didn't fill this paper out, and they kept telling me that it was my responsibility to make sure it's filled out. Like I know all the information! They then go on to tell me that I need a doctor, o really?? I HAD a doctor but the wonderful health care system here in Quebec makes sure that you can never get a new one if the old one leaves. Fuckers.

Anyways I am telling them I really need this test, it's for my thyroid and they keep going on about family doctors so I walk away. The receptionist comes to see me and tells me she will try to find the doctors full name. Through all this I am noticing the database for doctors and clinics must really suck because they can not find the clinic I went to. She does eventually find the clinic and gets the doctors first name (we did manage to notice the scribble on the test sheet was her last name). So she adds the doctors info and the clinics fax info to the test sheet and sends me off to do the test. I then get a call yesterday to go in to get my dosage changed :) So thank you to the nice receptionist for helping me out! Between the nice receptionist and the nice nurse taking my blood, the overall experience was great.

Excuse my rambling.

During all that Marc dropped off some sperm to get the second post vasectomy test. We are really hoping this test comes back with no swimmers, if it does he might need to go under the knife again and he's really not keen on doing that. Maybe I can talk to a doctor about a tubal. I'm going to check it out anyways tomorrow when I'm at the clinic, just to see how this doctor reacts. I wonder if he/she would send me to a psychologist? Cause you know I'm messed up for not wanting a child! :P

Life is quiet here. Still nothing on the job hunt. We're heading up the see Marcs family this weekend, his dad hasn't been feeling too good lately. It's been causing some stress with Marc and I, not fighting just stress, dealing with my dad being sick and then passing, and now Marcs dad being sick has been hard on us. My little herb garden is growing :). I am so excited to get some hot peppers from the little plant. I have sage, cilantro, oregano and a hot pepper plant.

Fear and Acceptance

Mothers day is tomorrow and although I am not a big fan of it and really do not go all out I started to wonder when I wouldn't be able to call my mom for mothers day. I can't call my dad up anymore, I can't ask mommy what new tool he wants for fathers day........I wont be celebrating fathers day anymore. Sure I have my father in law and I am so thankful for that but this year it just might be too much.

I remember waking up, in the middle of the night, a few days after my dad passed and going to the living room to sit by my mom. I carried in my teddy bear and just broke down and cried on her shoulder. I cried for my dad, I cried for the pain I was feeling. The pain that just wouldn't go away (that still haunts me). But I was also crying for my mom. She is the last parent I have alive. I was so scared that I will lose her too, that there will be a day where I will no longer be able to call either parent......it shook me deeply.

Then, later, I realized that it's life. I am getting older and so are my parents. They can't be here forever, they can't always be there to comfort me, to give me advice or to groan about a new tattoo I just got, and tell me that I need to grow up and figure out my life. I will have to do all that alone. It's scary to realize that, your parents are supposed to always be there.

So this mothers day I am going down to see my mom, I am taking her out to dinner and then I am going to her place and staying the night. I am going to spend some time with her. I haven't been able to go up since the funeral. I am a little worried. The urn is still there, the memories are still there. Maybe, though, this will help me heal. Maybe my heart will stop aching, or at least stay quiet.

Life changes in an instant

It's funny how life can be great one minute and turn to shit the next. Since February 4th there has been a cloud over my life. A cloud I don't see leaving anytime soon.

I last posted that my dad was in the hospital. He was getting better..and then I got the call. He wont make it the night. At 4am he passed away. At 4am I lost my daddy. At 4am I felt lost in this world.

I never knew what heartache was. Sure I break up with someone and I feel like it's the end of the world...but that pain goes away fast and I move on. The pain of losing my dad has been indescribable. The heart hurts so much that the rest of my body is in pain. I feel so alone, so lost that I just want to run away. I want to find something that will put some normalcy back into my life. But there is nothing.

I was told that the pain never goes away, I only turn numb. I find it hard to smile now. To just go to school. To just live.

I miss him so much, I want to call him to tell him about my stupid car. To tell him about my eyebrow piercing and hear him complain about it. I want to hear his voice. But I will never have that again. Never.

I don't sleep anymore. Sure I lay down and close my eyes, but my dreams betray me. They are all the same: Him on the hospital bed...dead. Me being pulled away....never to see him again. I hate being alone now. I must be annoying some friends from constantly texting them....but it makes me feel less alone.

So I guess I just have to go on...I just have to continue in this life. I don't know if I will ever see my daddy again. I just have to hope that maybe I will hear his voice again, be able to give him a hug.

I wait for that day.


Daddy I love you. I miss you terribly. I want the world to go back in time. I want you back with the family. I want the pain to stop.

Parents. Weekend. Love.

I am at my parents place this weekend, it was a last minute decision. We woke up Saturday morning and I called my mom up to se what was happening and since nothing was we drove up! I don't remember the last time I was up, I think it was before i even knew i got accepted into the paralegal program but I knew i wouldn't be up until Christmas so coming up this weekend was a good choice. Marc brought the wii to play with my little brother and I brought homework....which is still sitting in my bag, unread. Procrastinator!
It was a good weekend though, my dad made us a yummy breakfast this morning AND the time has changed!! We get an extra hour of glorious sleep. AND I only have a four day week, Friday is a ped day!!
When we get home today we have to switch our beer over to the carboy for 2 weeks to ferment some more, then we might Skype with my sister in law (Marcs sister) and get to see my little niece! Then we are watching the delayed Halloween specials on The Simpsons and Family Guy.
I passed all my midterms, my last midterm i got a lower mark than i wanted but she is supposed to go over the exam once more just to see if the students can get extra marks so maybe it will go up....I hope it does. So now I get ready for finals and all the last minute assignments that teachers realize they forgot to give....FUN.
Marc has a procedure on the 10th of Jan. He will need to go on Heparin (sp?) for a few days, I think I will be the one injecting him (I've only ever seen it given in needle form I don't know it it comes in other forms). I don't think I will have a problem injecting him, I hate needles but when i think of sticking one in someone else it's good, when i think of sticking one in me i want to pass out LOL. We will get more information about the Heparin on the 20th of Dec.
Marcs leg has been behaving this week, i noticed his other calf looked huge but he told me it's because that leg is getting a lot more exercise and is making up for the other leg so the muscle is HUGE. I was scared it was another clot (which didn't make sense since his INR is low) but no it's just a giant muscle saying Hello.
O! This week i had to go on some antibiotics...again...not fun. The last time i had to take some i was sick, and had a headache 24/7. And i had NO energy for anything. I was scared when the Doctor gave me a higher dose, but I only have to take them for 5 days (which reminds me i have to go take my last one!) so I was hopeful i wouldn't get to sick. I was right! I have not been sick but OMFG i am sooooo bloated!! I feel fatter than i already am and just gross. But at least i am not throwing up right?!
I have to say though, being at my parents makes me miss my babies. I am pretty sure my tabby is meowing and bugging the room mate.....poor thing (cat) LOL.