Ramblings within my head

I have been gone awhile. Life has been a little crazy on my end.

So lets just ignore this break shall we?

I realized something a few days ago and it kinda made me feel better but at the same time I felt like a horrible person. That I am damaged and there really is no way to fix me. I could go to therapy but I never had good experiences there, I'd rather see if I can maybe change myself.

Over the last few years I have noticed that I am very much an introvert. I tried to fool myself into thinking I wasn't but the fact is I am. And I know that pisses people off, most don't understand that if I am pushed into a room with a shit ton of people I will flip my shit. Outside I'll smile and try to talk to people but inside I am flipping out! I constantly try to control my shakes, I feel like I can't breath, sometimes the room spins and ultimately I end up in the corner just trying to breath so in the end I look like some antisocial freak who hates everyone.

I never understood why I always felt like I needed a few days to hide out in my house and stay quiet until I read an article about people who are introverts (can't remember what article, it was awhile ago), and everything clicked. I was like WHOA!! so other people feel this way too! I felt better and didn't try to change myself anymore, I was comfortable with being the introvert and just doing my thing.

Not too long ago I realized something, I can't make friends. I really can't. I have some friends who I've known for a long time but making new friends is almost impossible to me. I know I come off as a cold, mean, unapproachable etc, and most times I really really do not mean to give off that impression. I see so many people make new friends and have a great time and I sit back and watch. I can't connect with people I guess.

I had a lot of friends in elementary school and high school but never anyone I could just...be me with. Well no one except my cousin who I honestly viewed as a sister more than a cousin. We had spats and fights but we always turned to each other for everything. I guess I got comfortable and never thought I'd lose that but then I did and I just can't connect with anyone on that level again. And I seriously wonder if I ever will again. I have some people that I will just let lose around but, I don't know...it's not the same. I do have my friend L who I adore and keeps me sane when I'm about to lose my shit and we have gone through some serious stuff together but besides her I just can't connect with anyone.

I used to think I could talk to people and make new friends but now I do it through the husband. When he meets someone new and I am brave enough to go be social I will hover around him as like my safety net. I know I am a very high strung person and I stress and worry incredibly easily which turns a lot of people off. That is something I am actively trying to correct, I had someone in my school lay it on tough for me last semester about my stress and since then I have been managing it better. I realize I can't stress about everything, that sometimes you don't need a list to check things off. I am grateful she sat me down and just told me straight that I can't keep going the way I'm going. It will kill me.

I am rambling but it is something I noticed and maybe I can change things...