Life changes in an instant

It's funny how life can be great one minute and turn to shit the next. Since February 4th there has been a cloud over my life. A cloud I don't see leaving anytime soon.

I last posted that my dad was in the hospital. He was getting better..and then I got the call. He wont make it the night. At 4am he passed away. At 4am I lost my daddy. At 4am I felt lost in this world.

I never knew what heartache was. Sure I break up with someone and I feel like it's the end of the world...but that pain goes away fast and I move on. The pain of losing my dad has been indescribable. The heart hurts so much that the rest of my body is in pain. I feel so alone, so lost that I just want to run away. I want to find something that will put some normalcy back into my life. But there is nothing.

I was told that the pain never goes away, I only turn numb. I find it hard to smile now. To just go to school. To just live.

I miss him so much, I want to call him to tell him about my stupid car. To tell him about my eyebrow piercing and hear him complain about it. I want to hear his voice. But I will never have that again. Never.

I don't sleep anymore. Sure I lay down and close my eyes, but my dreams betray me. They are all the same: Him on the hospital bed...dead. Me being pulled away....never to see him again. I hate being alone now. I must be annoying some friends from constantly texting them....but it makes me feel less alone.

So I guess I just have to go on...I just have to continue in this life. I don't know if I will ever see my daddy again. I just have to hope that maybe I will hear his voice again, be able to give him a hug.

I wait for that day.


Daddy I love you. I miss you terribly. I want the world to go back in time. I want you back with the family. I want the pain to stop.