I haven't gone into how i felt during all this. I felt many things-anger all the way to fear.
At first i was lost. I hate going to the hospital (i almost died from my gallbladder just by not going to the hospital till the last minute) and taking Marc to the hospital for some weird leg issue was frightening.
When we were told it was a clot he got his shot of heparin and we headed to his parents house. He was so tired, from being up till 2am and from getting the shot. He fell asleep but i stayed awake checking his chest to see if he was still breathing. I barely slept that night (and for many nights after), and when i did I would awake with a start and check his chest again.
I had to leave on Tuesday night for school the next day. Not being able to check if he was still breathing at night made me very emotional. I was scared that he would die and i would not be with him. I would be at our place because i had to go to school and i couldn't be there by his side if he died. I know it's crazy to think that but when you are told it's a clot and you know they can travel and kill---it's a scary thing.
I headed back to his parents Wednesday night and i stayed for a few days, bringing him back and forth to the hospital for daily blood tests and shots. I then went home again, without him, but he was able to come home that Sunday. (In my first post i said he was gone 3 weeks....it felt like it...but he was gone a week and we had to go back up there almost every day for about 3 weeks. Those days were a blur so times are a little messed up).
In all this though, i'm sure i annoyed the family (constant worrying and stressing--i don't handle stress well) and they annoyed me (why would they want to keep my husband, why can't i take him home with me! I know it was better he stay there though, closer to the hospital and his parents were home all day). But, like i said, i'm so glad they were there to help.
Even while he was back home with me though, i would get up and check if he was breathing. I got very little sleep, it affected everything in my life. I had no energy and i was in my first semester at University. The stress was to much and my marks began to show it. I would try so hard not to cry in front of Marc, i had to be strong for him. He was so confused, and angry. Having his wife bawl in front of him wouldn't help.
Every day i would wonder if this was the day the clot would move. I was so terrified of losing him. Only being married for just over 3 months and i lose my husband, that's not fair!! Maybe praying would of helped, i don't know. I'm not religious at all but i hoped someone out there was praying for him.
His blood started to stabilize, he got a shiny fashionable cane and he was being seen by specialists. Our out look started to get better. I was sleeping more and more at night, my head wasn't a mess of stupid thoughts and tears and our sex life was back on track (i know, i know...TMI but it helped and it made us feel back to normal again).
I think though the happiest moment (i mean the moment that made me cry tears of happiness for the first time in so long) was when Marc told me his clot is almost dissolved. We made it. Sure he could be on this medication for life, sure he needs to wear compression stockings and walk with a cane but i don't care. He is still Marc, he is still the man i love and will always love.
So that's how i felt. A lot of days were hard, nights even harder but we made it. I think this was the first big trial in our marriage (there will be more) but if we made it through this--through fighting, tears and fears--then i think we will be alright.
And seriously i should not write while at the office <em>:P</em>
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