Is there....a there later?

I am not religious.

There is no God...no Devil.

No heaven or hell.

There is good and evil. They are not dictated by a god or devil. No one above us is watching us and planning things. We make our own path.....we make our own happiness and sadness.

So when I think about my dad, about where he could be, I get so confused. I want him to be here. To be around for my mom and brothers and me. I want him to whisper to us that everything will be ok. But no. He can't be here, he's nowhere. Sure I can hear him in my heart, or where ever it comes from, but that voice will fad with time. That voice will not be heard as often and sometimes when I need it most....it wont be there.

Where is he? I do not know. I think maybe there is something more to us humans...that we might have a spirit of some sort. A spirit that stays around because there is nowhere else to go. A spirit that stays for the ones it left behind.. Then again maybe there is nothing. When we die, we die. We are nothing.

I don't know what happened to him. I want to believe that he went somewhere good, that he is still here, still supporting us. But then I think more into it and he can't be anywhere. He is ash. He only lives in pictures and video tapes.

Those are what I need to hold on to. They keep him alive.

I have an instant....even now....where I think he is in a great place. Then I think it through and my heart falls deeper into the hole. There is no such place. Once we go...we go. We will never see them again. That is what I believe.

I guess I need to believe differently though, I need to lie to myself. It makes me feel better, for awhile.

I have to believe that what he believed puts him in a good place.

I have my dreams. They aren't betraying me as much. In my dreams my daddy is back. In my dreams everything is better.

Until I wake up.