Love your curves

I can't remember how I came across this but I wanted to write about to show my support.

http://www.aboutcurves.com/charity


I have had a lot of people comment on my weight and health through out my life. I am constantly bombared by some new diet whenever I go to visit either my family or my inlaws. It's like they are professionals and know what they are talking about. It's bugs me everytime I go up to see family, I get told some story about some family member who lost weight and how I should do it too! Good for them but I have tried diets and they never work. The worst was nutrisystem. I was put on that by my mother because how could I ever be happy and I HAD to lose weight for my up coming wedding. I HAD to be skinny. How DARE a fat person marry, pictures are being taken people and fat is not acceptable in them.

I started Nutrisystem in the fall of 2008 and yes I did lose weight. By starving myself. When I did eat it was very little. The food was disgusting but I had to stay on it because in a year I was getting married and I needed a dress. When the holidays rolled around my mother took it upon herself to control what I ate while at her house. During the Christmas Eve party I was to only eat the veggies because (she had to announce it to every fucking person) I was on a diet!! She was so happy that I was losing weight, and I was incredibly miserable. Then onto the inlaws, thankfully they didn't control my food intake (I did behave though because I had my mothers voice in the back of my head saying "wedding! pictures! dress!") but I had to deal with constant tips, personal stories and what fat people can not do. Ice skating is one of them apparently. My fat ass can not go on the ice because my poor little ankles will break!

I survived the holiday season and the rest of winter on this diet but spring came along and in the 6 months of starving myself and working out like crazy I lost.....15lbs. I felt the same. Sure I could fit into one size smaller in jeans but all that work and I only lost 15lbs. My mom was getting pissy with my lack of weight loss and I was getting grumpier and hungrier. So I stopped. It was about March and I just gave up. I wasn't happy, I wasn't me. I was this stupid dieting machine with no brain. I kept working out though, but I did it when I wanted to and as long or short as I wanted too.

Dress shopping happened. My mom didn't enjoy it at all, she just wanted in and out. I found my dress, I loved it. It fit me off the rack people. How many people can say that? When my mom came to see it (eventually) she told me to order it in a smaller size because you'll lose the weight!! And she said this in front of all the sales people. I was going for a size 22 but my mom was insisting that I go for a 20. I didn't want to chance it and then I said well what if I gain. She said "What? What do you mean what if you gain!!" How DARE I gain weight, how dare my fat ass get any bigger. The sales people looked at me with pity, I wanted to die. I ordered the dress in a size 22 but my mom wasn't happy about it.

Through out summer she kept pestering me about my weight, I told her I stopped the diet because I was starving myself and that was not the way to about losing weight. She seemed ok with it but she still had to add her two cents in whenever possible.I managed to stay the same weight through out the rest of summer and fall. When the wedding day came around I put that dress on and felt beautiful. Even my mom looked very happy about it all. Since then she has been a little less persistent about my weight, she still talks about it but less and less.


Almost two years later and I am still dealing with constant weight talk. It seems the only thing people talk about it how much weight they lost, this new diet, how much they worked out, what to eat, what not to eat, etc. It's disgusting and saddening. Peoples lives are consumed by how much they weigh. Growing up I was always called fat and told to lose weight, this came from my parents. At 10 I ran out of the lake and my mom said she could feel the ground shake because I was so big. She said this in front of a lot of people. I wasn't even big. I still have issues with walking near people, and I am still trying to work up the courage to get a swimsuit and want to go swimming. Being told that at 10 influenced my life. I am 24 and I still have trouble accepting my body. I still think I need to be a size 2 to ever to loved by family. But then a small voice in my head tells me that I am beautiful. I am worth something and to hell with what my family and inlaws say. I started going out with bare arms again, I was too terrified to show my arms but I went out shopping with no cardigan or cover up of any kind and I felt great! I do it more often now and I think that is a great first step. I wish I had a picture of my bare arms at a party but I don't. If I get one I will post it.

I find it interesting though that I never had a complete stranger come up to me and "educate" me on my weight, I'm sure I get laughed at or talked about behind my back because people still think it is acceptable but I don't care. People talk about other people no matter what. I can't hide and be ashamed. I hope soon I will accept my body, that I will be 100% happy with who I am and what I look like. I feel that day coming though, almost like I can grab it and never let go.


O and yes one day I will go ice skating (when I can get some skates :P). I will have a little more padding when I fall on my ass!


Here is a wedding picture (sorry it is so dark, I have a redone one but I do not know where it is! Well more like I do not feel like searching my computer for it :P)